I woke up about 4AM and finally took the leap into the void. I could feel myself falling like a skydiver, wind in my face arms and legs stretched out. Suddenly I was suspended in the emptiness. "Stop." "Be still." "Be." No movement. No story. Emptiness. Silence. I lay there feeling into the void. Still.
I got up and meditated. I dozed. I listened to Gangaji speak on stillness. I am in a new place. I feel resistance. I breathe. Instead of pushing through to something or backing away from something. I am being with what is. I am aware of the urge to do, of thoughts and of feelings. It is uncomfortable in the unknown, in the dark. I like resolution.
When I am still I immediately connect to joy and spaciousness, it feels good. Yet I don't allow myself to relax in this knowing. Very quickly my habit is to go back to thinking and doing. What is my resistance to being, to stillness, to peace?
Today I am slowing down and being aware of the stillness inside me. I am doing things from a place of stillness. I am noticing my discomfort at times. I feel the stillness as not separate from me. Being still is not a doing. Surrender, breathe, be, open, close, breathe, relax, deep silence, peace, fear, close, breathe open, thoughts, let go, surrender....