Having the Safe Sex Talk
Sex is a healthy part of life and a powerful way to share love and intimacy. It is important to learn how to be clear and honest about your sexual history before engaging in sex. Unprotected sex can lead to infection, pregnancy, infertility, and life-threatening diseases.
1) Know your own sexual history. Get tested for sexually transmitted infections (STI’s) regularly.
2) Practice sharing your sexual history with a friend so you are comfortable talking about it.
3) Get educated about STI’s- know their prevalence, risks, and treatments.
4) Commit to discussing safer sex before engaging in any exchange of body fluids.
5) Have the discussion in a neutral atmosphere, not as you are about to climb in bed together.
6) Be prepared, carry condoms with you and know how to use them. Practice before hand.
7) Know your bottom line. What risks are you NOT willing to take? Be ready to say NO!
8) Pregnancy is also a risk of unprotected intercourse. Use birth control if you don’t want a baby.
9) If you have taken risks in the past, don’t be afraid to get tested and treated.
10) Love yourself enough to set healthy boundaries and honor them.
How to Begin
When you meet someone and feel that sexual chemistry is there be aware that you need to have the safer sex talk before you find yourself in a sexually charged situation. When the time feels right begin by acknowledging the attraction you feel. “Ever since we met I have been aware that I am very attracted to you sexually.” Find out if the feeling is mutual. There is no need to share your history with someone who has no desire to be sexual with you. If they are also interested in becoming sexually involved then tell them you would like to set aside a time to have a discussion about safer sex and to share your sexual histories with each other.
Getting Tested
Depending on how sexually active you have been, the last time you were tested and any risky behaviors you may have had since then, you may choose to go and get an STI exam and HIV test before you have the safer sex talk. This way you will have current information to share either before or shortly after your discussion. The testing can be done with your doctor’s office, at a public health center, or family planning clinic. STI’s tests may include: Chlamydia, Gonorrhea (the Clap), Syphilis, Candida (yeast infection), Hepatitis B, Herpes simplex 1 and 2, HIV, HPV (genital warts and cervical dysplasia), Crabs, and Trichomonis (trich). While you are there ask any questions you have and pick up information about birth control, STI’s and HIV.
Having the Talk
Meet in a private place when you won’t be disturbed. Make sure you have a couple of hours set aside so that you don’t have to stop in the middle. Turn off your cell phones. Bring your test results with you if you have them. One powerful way to begin is by each sharing your intention for this communication, any fears or concerns you have about this talk and any boundaries you need to express. A boundary is what you need to feel safe and stay open, it is not a wall, it is a bridge to help you stay present. A healthy boundary for this communication might be to agree that whatever is shared will remain confidential. Another type of boundary is, “I need to end by 10 pm.” Then agree who will go first. Only one person should speak at a time. The other person listens quietly and only interrupts if they need to clarify a specific detail. When the first person is complete then switch roles. Topics to cover may include:
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