Leaping into the Void, Part 2

I woke up about 4AM and finally took the leap into the void. I could feel myself falling like a skydiver, wind in my face arms and legs stretched out. Suddenly I was suspended in the emptiness. "Stop." "Be still." "Be." No movement. No story. Emptiness. Silence. I lay there feeling into the void. Still.

I got up and meditated. I dozed. I listened to Gangaji speak on stillness. I am in a new place. I feel resistance. I breathe. Instead of pushing through to something or backing away from something. I am being with what is. I am aware of the urge to do, of thoughts and of feelings. It is uncomfortable in the unknown, in the dark. I like resolution.

When I am still I immediately connect to joy and spaciousness, it feels good. Yet I don't allow myself to relax in this knowing. Very quickly my habit is to go back to thinking and doing. What is my resistance to being, to stillness, to peace?

Today I am slowing down and being aware of the stillness inside me. I am doing things from a place of stillness. I am noticing my discomfort at times. I feel the stillness as not separate from me. Being still is not a doing. Surrender, breathe, be, open, close, breathe, relax, deep silence, peace, fear, close, breathe open, thoughts, let go, surrender....

Tantra Tip of the Day – Leaping into the Void

I have been feeling a deep need to let go of control, let go of directing the show, let go of being strongly in my masculine. This is a role I am comfortable with from many years being a teacher, midwife and mother. I am used to holding space for others, so they can feel safe. I am comfortable helping them explore their edges.

Now I am at the edge of a precipice. There is something essential just beyond what I can safely reach. I need to surrender into the unknown and trust that is it ok not to know. I need to let go and breathe into my heart. I need to trust this process called life. I need be willing to fall apart. I need to surrender and trust the process.

It is hard to do this alone, to hold space for myself. I long for a strong man to hold space for me. I long for my heart to open and trust this man. I want to see in his eyes that he believes in me and will be there at the end, no matter what. I long to surrender and fall apart with total abandon.

Where in your life do you need to surrender? What is your relationship to trust? What is your relationship to your inner masculine? How can you show up and support your inner feminine?

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